Building Ambition

In my former career I recall working in a job where I began to petrify. I had promised myself I would apply for promotion when it was next available and so I kept that promise to myself in a half hearted sort of way. Once engaged with the process I did the best I could and gained promotion. Not for the first time I felt a mixture of they've got it wrong I'll never be able to do it and yeah damn right, see all at the same time. The role was partly what I wanted as it filled the lack of experience of man management I knew I thoroughly lacked.

What I found was that after a year or too my ambition if not necessarily my confidence began to grow.

I recall my next venture into promotion was the hardest, I got a go ahead pass and no role and going for promotion in another department didn't even get me an interview. At this point one feedback from interview I had was that I should get out of my comfort zone. My boss and I were annoyed and amused by that comment. When am I in my comfort zone? Exactly she said.

I always seemed to aim towards a new thing that would teach me soothing or add to my strengths or experience. But of course all within the same employer and all desk-bound jobs so there were parameters I had set without realising.

I'm rarely comfortable when I am learning a new role. I am eager to learn and quick to feel I am not getting it quick enough as I focus on what I am not doing rather than on what I am achieving. After temping and volunteering and applying for jobs all at the same time for a while I realise I had put myself through years of that discomfort, constantly being on the backfoot. But that has never stopped me doing it.

Now I am pausing and reluctant to take on any more discomfort for a while. I'm doing ok in my new role and being offered more complex work. I don't want the hassle and at the same time feel uninspired by the things I can do. I have done more things but my drive is in third gear.

I expected to see paths open up to me once I got my self integrated in this work. I feel very connected and able to help others but see no way to grow as a person or in my career. I feel I want to. I want more status and influence. Mainly influence I think.

When work is hectic and I have lots of internal customers I thrive, so maybe its the self motivating for tasks that I find hard. I'm reluctant to let any job get under my skin and take over my life. I have a better work life balance now. Better relationship with my son, not that it was negative before but more about looking after him and less about hanging out with him, more needed than wanted stuff. I'm less likely to bend to accommodate what extra work may ask of me.

Maybe that will change when I have an empty nest or maybe there just needs to be more of me in what I am trying to achieve.

The things that have happened that I expected is that I have real relationships with people on the inside now. I surprise myself with the relevance of my experiences and interests.

Sometimes I speak and everyone gets what I have to say the first time. And they don't pull a face. My clothes are considered ordinary or interesting but never wtf?!*&* even today when I wore a turquoise trilby with sequin trim

my writing www.cymruculture.co.uk is not going to change academia but it is part of that and www.artclubcardiff.co.uk its sharing art for the everyman. I like to think I'm the Barry Norman of the art world. I describe, inform and not critique.

Had seriously lovely feedback from one piece which still gives me hope that one day I may get paid for it. "Maybe you could be a writer, you could do worse" Lloyd Cole sang in my ear for many years.

I'd like the money but I'd like the feeling of achievement.

so there, I feel safe and am now looking for more. Like the man stuck in the hole who has a man jump in with him, I am reassuring myself I have been in this hole before and I know the way out.

First aim at the sky...

Jen

A Full Time Perm Job in an Arts Establishment - Found my niche?

It's been about ten days since I had my third interview for this post.

Third you ask, yes once when I was told you were our second choice (I'd heard that three times in a row) then once to cover mat leave and again to get the job for real.

I was excited (fist pump on the bus receiving the news) but also in shock and full of relief for a day or so and then battling my brain out of feeling guilty for earning so much less than I did and not providing like I used to. I didn't want to write in that state so I had a few glasses of prosecco and got on with the day job, its been a particularly busy time and husband working nights so no real time to reflect much.

There is a sense of reaching the destination, it's been such a long journey that it feels just that I'm here in one piece. At times I have lost faith, only to find the despair won't actually let me relax into giving up. I learn that giving up as a concept is in me which scared me but that giving up in reality is not, which is also frightening. I never knew I could hate how I feel and not have a way of dealing with it and still do stuff even though my brain was screaming I can't be bothered, why bother, I'm so bad at this, they don't respect me, with many Anglo-Saxon words thrown in for good measure and still it found no comfort in just stopping. I could feel sorry for myself but not in a comforting lets each too much ice-cream sort of way, in a  I'm really hard done by and the future is scary kind of way.

So I wanted to say to anyone in that situation, feel the pain, don't run away from it, feel it. Like I had to let myself feel the anger of losing my job. I am here on the other side and it's logical that statistically things will go your way sometimes, so just keep going. I learn I really was second choice a few times, so keep rolling the dice.

I know have some perspective and can see that I have to give myself credit for a few things. One is always putting the effort into my applications although they were soul destroying and fiddly and badly designed and full of unexplained jargon, I googled and Wikipediad and listened to everyone's conversations and gleaned info. I volunteered and juggled that with temping, balancing expectations and commitments and ensured I was there when my husband wasn't for our son.

It was hard to explain the effort and creativity going on in my brain, temping meant I had to learn new organisations cultures and terminology and meet new people and build rapport. I tasked myself with relearning my art history degree, I sort of added to its edges instead, back to basics with A level texts on histories of art and then catch ups with lots of new ideologies and arguments. I also taught myself more about contemporary art, read lots of monoliths, went to see more art as a regular conscious activity. I started art club and that has had many unexpected benefits, but mostly I have scheduled art into my life rather than just it being a happenstance. For once I have a hobby, that's a life enriching thing and something we need to get girls and women to allow time for more in our society.

Getting to know the artworld in my area, I am still on the edge of being in it but I know people and what they do and I love connecting them and passing helpful knowledge on. I'm still not one for silo thinking but at least I know where some perceived divisions lie.

I have grown confident in my own thoughts. I have surprised myself in talking to artists, something as an historian you don't get to do, that I get their work and can really talk to many of them about it. I used to think about art a lot and never, I mean never get to talk about it. It's a release to be with like minded people so all of the journey has given me lots of what I always wanted.

I have been let down and disappointed and had people be rude, flaky and shockingly ungrateful and yet I have learnt to take that way more in my stride than I ever expected, I have settled myself into not feeling guilty into not continuing all the volunteering, I hope to do some but it has to fit in. I did use that to legitimise my move into art and I think that's ok. I am very grateful for the introductions that people gave me and the respect and trust I often got.

I have learnt to be humble and show leadership and am someway to getting the balance right.

Getting the job, any perm job has made me more relaxed and human, I feel less tense and I am so thankful that the natural self-motivation is returning. I really thought the edge had come off my willingness, some days this week in work I've actually thought "I'm enjoying this" that has happened for years.

So its my job now and I feel like everything I learn and try will be for me as well as the organisation, it's something to build on and that's a good place to be.

I work at the art school.

I love saying that.

Jen

Its all coming together..?

So July 31st this year will be the two year anniversary of my leaving the civil service. I did actually leave on a Sunday. Great financially but odd on my cv, job applications and all that.

I still have a smidge of my redundancy money left, so I think it's best to share my wisdom on that one.

Firstly I didn't think of it as "extra" money, I thought of it as wages until I got paid again.

Knowing my own habits I started to dream of all the things I could achieve or buy with the money. If I get given money for my birthday I often find it more satisfying to have a little bit, like a tenner to spend on something frivolous like a decent bottle of wine rather than £200 as that can easily be 20 silly things and then you feel you wasted it.

So I wrote a chart out of all the things I could do with the money and divided it up into those chunks. Some things I bought like new duck down duvets, warm if heating proves too expensive and luxury if not. I put about a quarter towards the family holiday we had last year, this was teh I deserve it part of the money and memories can't be taken away from you. I bought a netbook, so I could start writing wherever I was, maybe one day for paid work, maybe just to assist with job apps. Proved helpful in these ways and as a tool when volunteering for arts organisations, this was the speculate to accumulate part, along with website hosting, business cards, MA membership. I spent the least I could and it's hard to say if any of that was directly helpful but I don't feel foolish spending a couple of hundred a year on such things altogether.

I then tried to earn as much as I could, this was a lot of temping a few promises of work and payments that didn't come to anything, those flaky loveable folks, hmmppphh. Well learning to think freelance is learning to be balanced between being flexible, useful and a mug. This for me is a work in progress. A side lesson is that I don't really mind If I enjoyed the task but if I hadn't being paid would have made the discomfort worth it, and I would have felt more respected.

Then I tried to keep my head straight that I wasn't rich or poor and that maybe I'd get a job before it all ran out and I could splurge the last bit.

It seems I have  a good chance of getting my current job permanently  it's a lot less money, more holidays and actually exactly what I wanted when I left. A lower position in an arts org I can learn and grow from and have a second career. So now I'm thinking I'm sure I'll be delighted if it does come off but I can't get excited after two years of purgatory.

I am getting more writing requests, now from artists which is great. Feel free to ask me and if you can pay me great! £200 an article seems the going rate.

I'll keep you posted,

Jen

Kathryn Ashill: Art Cardiff Map- the pink one

This initiative is run by a group of local artists. Should be copied elsewhere but only if they get credit and possibly some dosh. Great to see public spirited stuff in the arts

Kathryn Ashill: Art Cardiff Map- the pink one: For Future Reference... 2013, Artwork created for Cardiff Art Map April-June It is an honour to have my work distributed widely on...

Time off to study

Well, it wasn't supposed to be but I finally finished Stefan Muthesius's English Terraced House and this is meant to be a day off. Stefan was a professor of mine at UEA and his books leave me feeling about as communicated with as I did when attending his lectures or going out with him on field trips. He was a seriously pedantic man, german by birth, the nephew of Hermann Muthesius and a real anglophile. He travelled much of the UK and seems to have loved all the things I do about Cardiff's architecture and street layout. Having grown up in Llandaff North, LLandaff city and Cathedral Road and Pontcanna were my early arenas of architectural yearning. We thought very little of our terraced house although I now gather the rubble exterior on faced brick with a small front garden and it's own outside loo, lane access, full hall and three bedrooms was quite posh for a little house, added to this is the hierarchy of Road which was above Street and I was better housed than I thought.

I know for a fact I read this book whilst at Uni but really I don't recall reading a darn thing. I recall lot of its messages but mainly from the tweed wearing, leather elbowed, bowing like Uriah Heep academic enthusiast than from reading. I read a lot at Uni and the internet was in it's mouth wiping milk dribbling infacy so must have relied on it for coursework. Amazing what one can forget and somehow even more annoyingly wrongly remember.

I have read a lot recently, March being the month of mother's day My birthday, our wedding anniversary and its a bumper month for gifts. I've spent some serious time in the company of Danny Baker, Anthony Bourdain and Sandi Toksvig via the book of their own words format and I conclude that self confidence and self belief and a general blind optimism does work out. However I am totally sure many people have the same traits and do not. Sandi is constantly reminding her reader of famous people's bon mots so it was more like seeing her at a crowded dinner party where she introduced everyone to me. St David apparently tells us to do the little things. So today I dusted behind the radiators and ordered lots of storage to somehow turn my flat into a tardis as I am not losing any books DVDs or shoes but do wish to gain floor.

Danny says those from his youth thought only fools and horses was a documentary and I was quite horrified how being on the fiddle seemed so widespread, no direct harm but a new tendency in my late thirties is to feel that my honesty and attempt at learning a job and trying hard at it and being up front with insurers although I've never made a claim is all for nought. Mis selling of financial products being a particular bug bear, why should those who borrowed often and more than they could afford be rewarded with their un needed insurance back? Buyer beware people. It was that big pile of greedy wannabe middle classes that got us in this mess, ok some vulnerable customers were exploited look after them but why does being mildly clever and careful with what I earn not make a positive impact to my life?

Anthony on the other hand has worked really hard and played hard and used his creativity and enthusiasm to inspire others and at times has walked away from those he can not help, not a hand holder but not a stamp on your neck to hold you down kinda guy. That's more me really but I'm also really sensible and don't play hard at all.

Amongst other things going on in my life my main thoughts are with my next role. I recognise a repulsion to even try. Do you want to go through a lot of rejection in quick succession? NOPE do you want to learn role upon role via temping and volunteering only to have to walk away? NOPE do you want a steady job that you can commit to and get better at that means you get to care for your child in the evenings and plan to move into a house or at least replaster the flat you are in and think about the occassional family holiday and actually paying for your son to get to uni? YES

It seems on the one hand impossible but I am reminded of a conversation I had with my husband some year's ago.

Him: "Why don't we ever have dessert?"
Me:"Oh I don't believe in dessert"
Him:"But I've seen them, other people have them."

So for my next bread and butter I want dessert, all of the above with a cherry on top

I'll start looking now

Jen

Art School Admin soon be out for summer

So how's it been working at the Art School? Well the greatest part of it is when I say something vaguely interesting or amusing other people there get it rather than looking at me like "hmm what... " which is what I used to get.

Everyone is interesting, intelligent or well-dressed or sometimes all three.

In the recent snow a former colleague mentioned tractor tests on facebook and I got quite nostalgic. Truly a sign that the healing of leaving that career is truly coming.

I found I hit a wall about 6 months in of not feeling like I knew the job well enough and yet before that I knew I was grasping things little by little better each time. I now realise that wall hits just before it all becomes clear and I'm running the desk like a dj or a slick bartender. I am very quick at being a slick bartender, and I love doing that. So now I'm in the flow of it and learning new parts and more about the business is just oil to the wheels. I could go on doing this and learning more and  taking on more and working here for ever, but in a few months it won't be mine anymore. So part of me is planning my demise, working in future proofing so that communication will continue amongst staff and new tweaks will be shared with the postholder seemlessly, diaries and plans for the new academic year are being set up and everything set up ready for the return of the queen.

I realise I don't just learn the role, I learn the people, the dynamics, the names and faces and the structure and that's a lot more than just the tasks. So I have now harnessed this and one wonders too what end?

Like all the temping and volunteering one must capitalise on this. This involves skills I'm not sure I have learnt can even name or describe.

My career thus far has taught me professionalism easy rapport with people, ability to be playful and serious at the right times, to respect everyone even those by instinct I wouldn't as I have learnt everyone has value even it is really well hidden.

So I look forward for direction and a new job.

Living the Dream

So on 28 August I took a job at the Local Arts School. I knew that the job itself was not that fascinating and the pay was not that good, its around thirty hours a week and means I've been keeping up a little with the arts festival on Wednesdays. Also its maternity cover so its not really my job but in another way 10 months at that pay is about all my reserves can stand and gives me a kick to do something else next and its more mine than a temp job.

I have found everyone there to be good at and interested in the job they do. This is lovely.

I've enjoyed the financial bits more than I thought I would and I love that I get to play post offices. Its great that most places I've worked are really e led but using a cdunk dunk stamper each day is really satisfying. Then there is a blue COPY stamp I'm seriously in love with.

Every procedure is logical and ordered which is lovely as time goes on its a challenge to remember all the details of all the procedures and I keep learning more tasks like Banking and I'm not hating it.

I don't get out of my little office that much which is a bit of a shame because every time I do I see amazing and exciting things:

Posters about different typefaces written by Graphics students
The Masters Ceramics show -some pieces were actually taller and wider than some domestic spaces
The Foundation show from around Wales
The book Art display in the foyer
A piano and three pushbikes in an office the piano is for when a subject leader gets stressed
the interior architecture room with a very high shelf full of scale models
huge spaces with windows for workshops
the ceramics room with objects of intrigue at every turn
the art library where I read the RIBA periodical
the view of howard gardens with its bowling green and palm trees

All the staff are friendly and lovely and I've had 6 free walk to work breakfasts, a discounted bus pass, training on software systems and the usual corporate stuff as well as mental health first aid training coming up.

I love it, all that's bothering me is my rookie mistakes and some days having to leave things for the next day.

So I think an excellent opportunity to point me in the next direction I just need to not let the fear of poverty scare me from daring to dream of not waking up.

Jen xxx