Time off to study

Well, it wasn't supposed to be but I finally finished Stefan Muthesius's English Terraced House and this is meant to be a day off. Stefan was a professor of mine at UEA and his books leave me feeling about as communicated with as I did when attending his lectures or going out with him on field trips. He was a seriously pedantic man, german by birth, the nephew of Hermann Muthesius and a real anglophile. He travelled much of the UK and seems to have loved all the things I do about Cardiff's architecture and street layout. Having grown up in Llandaff North, LLandaff city and Cathedral Road and Pontcanna were my early arenas of architectural yearning. We thought very little of our terraced house although I now gather the rubble exterior on faced brick with a small front garden and it's own outside loo, lane access, full hall and three bedrooms was quite posh for a little house, added to this is the hierarchy of Road which was above Street and I was better housed than I thought.

I know for a fact I read this book whilst at Uni but really I don't recall reading a darn thing. I recall lot of its messages but mainly from the tweed wearing, leather elbowed, bowing like Uriah Heep academic enthusiast than from reading. I read a lot at Uni and the internet was in it's mouth wiping milk dribbling infacy so must have relied on it for coursework. Amazing what one can forget and somehow even more annoyingly wrongly remember.

I have read a lot recently, March being the month of mother's day My birthday, our wedding anniversary and its a bumper month for gifts. I've spent some serious time in the company of Danny Baker, Anthony Bourdain and Sandi Toksvig via the book of their own words format and I conclude that self confidence and self belief and a general blind optimism does work out. However I am totally sure many people have the same traits and do not. Sandi is constantly reminding her reader of famous people's bon mots so it was more like seeing her at a crowded dinner party where she introduced everyone to me. St David apparently tells us to do the little things. So today I dusted behind the radiators and ordered lots of storage to somehow turn my flat into a tardis as I am not losing any books DVDs or shoes but do wish to gain floor.

Danny says those from his youth thought only fools and horses was a documentary and I was quite horrified how being on the fiddle seemed so widespread, no direct harm but a new tendency in my late thirties is to feel that my honesty and attempt at learning a job and trying hard at it and being up front with insurers although I've never made a claim is all for nought. Mis selling of financial products being a particular bug bear, why should those who borrowed often and more than they could afford be rewarded with their un needed insurance back? Buyer beware people. It was that big pile of greedy wannabe middle classes that got us in this mess, ok some vulnerable customers were exploited look after them but why does being mildly clever and careful with what I earn not make a positive impact to my life?

Anthony on the other hand has worked really hard and played hard and used his creativity and enthusiasm to inspire others and at times has walked away from those he can not help, not a hand holder but not a stamp on your neck to hold you down kinda guy. That's more me really but I'm also really sensible and don't play hard at all.

Amongst other things going on in my life my main thoughts are with my next role. I recognise a repulsion to even try. Do you want to go through a lot of rejection in quick succession? NOPE do you want to learn role upon role via temping and volunteering only to have to walk away? NOPE do you want a steady job that you can commit to and get better at that means you get to care for your child in the evenings and plan to move into a house or at least replaster the flat you are in and think about the occassional family holiday and actually paying for your son to get to uni? YES

It seems on the one hand impossible but I am reminded of a conversation I had with my husband some year's ago.

Him: "Why don't we ever have dessert?"
Me:"Oh I don't believe in dessert"
Him:"But I've seen them, other people have them."

So for my next bread and butter I want dessert, all of the above with a cherry on top

I'll start looking now

Jen

Art School Admin soon be out for summer

So how's it been working at the Art School? Well the greatest part of it is when I say something vaguely interesting or amusing other people there get it rather than looking at me like "hmm what... " which is what I used to get.

Everyone is interesting, intelligent or well-dressed or sometimes all three.

In the recent snow a former colleague mentioned tractor tests on facebook and I got quite nostalgic. Truly a sign that the healing of leaving that career is truly coming.

I found I hit a wall about 6 months in of not feeling like I knew the job well enough and yet before that I knew I was grasping things little by little better each time. I now realise that wall hits just before it all becomes clear and I'm running the desk like a dj or a slick bartender. I am very quick at being a slick bartender, and I love doing that. So now I'm in the flow of it and learning new parts and more about the business is just oil to the wheels. I could go on doing this and learning more and  taking on more and working here for ever, but in a few months it won't be mine anymore. So part of me is planning my demise, working in future proofing so that communication will continue amongst staff and new tweaks will be shared with the postholder seemlessly, diaries and plans for the new academic year are being set up and everything set up ready for the return of the queen.

I realise I don't just learn the role, I learn the people, the dynamics, the names and faces and the structure and that's a lot more than just the tasks. So I have now harnessed this and one wonders too what end?

Like all the temping and volunteering one must capitalise on this. This involves skills I'm not sure I have learnt can even name or describe.

My career thus far has taught me professionalism easy rapport with people, ability to be playful and serious at the right times, to respect everyone even those by instinct I wouldn't as I have learnt everyone has value even it is really well hidden.

So I look forward for direction and a new job.

Living the Dream

So on 28 August I took a job at the Local Arts School. I knew that the job itself was not that fascinating and the pay was not that good, its around thirty hours a week and means I've been keeping up a little with the arts festival on Wednesdays. Also its maternity cover so its not really my job but in another way 10 months at that pay is about all my reserves can stand and gives me a kick to do something else next and its more mine than a temp job.

I have found everyone there to be good at and interested in the job they do. This is lovely.

I've enjoyed the financial bits more than I thought I would and I love that I get to play post offices. Its great that most places I've worked are really e led but using a cdunk dunk stamper each day is really satisfying. Then there is a blue COPY stamp I'm seriously in love with.

Every procedure is logical and ordered which is lovely as time goes on its a challenge to remember all the details of all the procedures and I keep learning more tasks like Banking and I'm not hating it.

I don't get out of my little office that much which is a bit of a shame because every time I do I see amazing and exciting things:

Posters about different typefaces written by Graphics students
The Masters Ceramics show -some pieces were actually taller and wider than some domestic spaces
The Foundation show from around Wales
The book Art display in the foyer
A piano and three pushbikes in an office the piano is for when a subject leader gets stressed
the interior architecture room with a very high shelf full of scale models
huge spaces with windows for workshops
the ceramics room with objects of intrigue at every turn
the art library where I read the RIBA periodical
the view of howard gardens with its bowling green and palm trees

All the staff are friendly and lovely and I've had 6 free walk to work breakfasts, a discounted bus pass, training on software systems and the usual corporate stuff as well as mental health first aid training coming up.

I love it, all that's bothering me is my rookie mistakes and some days having to leave things for the next day.

So I think an excellent opportunity to point me in the next direction I just need to not let the fear of poverty scare me from daring to dream of not waking up.

Jen xxx

A Port in a Storm

Well,

Almost there.

In the last few week's my bridesmaid status in two roles has led to me becoming the bride.

Even though I doubted I was anyones second choice, turns out I was wrong.

So I am currently working part time as a temp and doing 7 hours a week paid work for the arts festival. This is very enjoyable and will only last until November but finally I was getting paid to work in the arts. The difference between paid or not, I suppose its pride mainly. Partly its also a bit of relief of more money but mainly its the feeling I'm not kidding myself and being able to say that to people.

Maybe on the back of that, maybe not, I hear a position I had gone for that had been filled by the incumbent temp was now free for ten months for maternity leave. God bless fertility.

I filled in the annoying form, it was one of the most frustrating in terms of formatting and then went for the test and interview. I was somehow less nervous than last time but still managed to get really tight chested so my voice went croaky. I was rambling but obviously got enough information out.

Interesting that they were concerned I would't be satisfied with a non-management position. Definately some truth in the over qualified or over experienced being looked over. And yet the market is full of demanding roles that pay very little.

In fact it pays relatively little but I have been frugal with my redundancy so will survive the next 10 months even if I give up frugality.

I feel a lot of relief, some joy, more when I have tidied up leaving my current part time role as neatly as I can. I don't exactly feel guilty about it, I'm too stealy these days for that, but its a shame its not easy to handover or learn quickly as its a busy demanding needed job.

Also and this must be said, I work with nice people there, two of which are the most amusing colleagues I've ever had the pleasure to work with, so I shall recall them fondly and the job for all its in at the deep end challenge.

I know that all the incidental information I shall learn at CSAD will fascinate me and I'll work with people who share lots of my interests. It will be a relief from change and looking for work for a bit and I hope a step into the knew paid artworld career. And if not at least I can always say "I used to work at the art school" in the same way as I chose Paris as a honeymoon destination partly so I could say "we honeymooned in Paris" and actually we loved the place anyway.

So I'm happy

Actually

Jen

One Year On

Well it's nearly one year on from my voluntary redundancy date, I know because the massive bank balance linked with the possibility of no future income co-incided with my brother's birthday. I had to resist buying him an extravagant present. 

Good time to review the situation. Well its been emotional, maybe I'm a functioning emotional like others are functioning alcoholics. Certainly not being in a prescribed parameter set busy workplace with a team of people to worry about makes you have more mental space to notice yourself and how you are feeling. 

Things have been very trying too. Of course its my own private hell, you learn more about what pushes your buttons and your own neurosis. I always knew I hated working from home and I knew I could often feel really embarrassed when I made a mistake and it stayed with me. I knew I didn't really tolerate being disliked even by people I didn't respect whilst intellectually knowing that its not possible to be liked by everyone. I knew I got lots of energy from working with others and when doing certain tasks craved to be alone. I knew that I grasped concepts and picked up on people's ethos quickly. I knew I was bad at memorising names and dates and numbers without a context and that I had a photographic memory for images and could see styles developing in people's work and could recognise the work of the same artist designer or store with ease. I knew I had good colour memory and the good professional habits of always treating people as human beings first, being helpful and contentious and on the flip side being really sad when I let someone down or upset them. 

I am more motivated when learning new skills or information and when other people notice I'm contributing. Actually either of these at once is ok. 

I was surprised to learn that the mix of what I loved and hated about my old job was quite so universal. Along with milk and parking being swearwords the gap between what the leaders seem to want from an organisation and what the footsoldiers care about and are attempting is too far and that very little explaining too each other happens at all. As someone who has worked from footsoldier to middle manager I know that what seems important can be not profitable or efficient, but often it feels that you are not appreciated, no matter how hard you try. This really needs to change.

Also I've learned most places that use volunteers just want them to do it and will always go to those who are not just reliable but do not need to be managed or encouraged. Often any encouragement is gratitude but not feedback that skills and endeavours made an effect. I think most people want to feel like their being there mattered. 

I also spent some horrid months in the wilderness feeling like all my work in studying my subject, learning about organisations, making contacts and sharing my knowledge was only helping others and making me look like an overexcited schmuck. This culminated in being told to not be myself at interview. 

I can be really excitable, I can seem really in your face and confident, but the truth is, I'm self aware I know what I'm competent at but I have no confidence knew people are going to like me or respect me. They will, I'm sure feel I am polite and able to talk to people. 

In a large organisation I have found people see the enthusiasm and hard work and harness that and love it, a very small few are threatened by my apparant huge ego or overbearing personality. It never lasts long, the happier I am the quieter I am. 

To do that I need to be in a state where I don't feel like I have to prove myself. This is rare for me. With a team I found I never let of trying to prove myself. In a small group or working solo and having had feedback the other's or my line manager trusts me and also knowing I'm doing a good job I'm in the flow and I'm happy. I need very little direction. I will have learnt what everyone else needs and what I need to know and I will crack on. You can be subtle and I will follow, I am tuned in. 

My one weakness is expecting everyone else to be attuned and sometimes being too subtle. That's something I need to work on, how to get through to these people?

Anyway I am in a largely positive place. I have 2 part time jobs, one in a Uni which is a temp job - too responsible to be relaxed about but with a very entertaining bunch of people who are clever or witty or both. The other is following on from my volunteering, the pay is helpful and I understand the job and lo and behold all that effort in learning and networking is paying off. 

I know my ideal is still a salaried job as looking for work is exhausting and a year of it has well, I've nearly reached my limit! 

I am also writing articles and have learned I enjoy writing in an accessible magazine style and not trying to be all academic. So I hope to keep that up. 

Also I love invigilating exhibitions which I do making no large future commitments. 

Art Club is working as I want it and it is feeding something positive in me, I think I've designed a club that I want to be a member of! I think it could grow and it feels organic and natural to me, so a good thing to keep up. 

I've made some lovely friends. Really I have. I've spent more time with my lovely family and I've been to NYC. Overall I should be happy. 

And I nearly am. 

Jen xxx

Feeling myself again

Maybe its the rain, I am Welsh after all.

I've been annoyingly introspective and yet I've known I needed to understand myself to move on. Feel like I've been walking the line between sadness and hope, sanity and despair. Logically all along saying so many other people go through worse and so forth so trying not to feel sorry for myself. As Mr Stephen of Fry says it may be just to feel sorry for yourself but it serves no purpose at all.

So here are the possibly contrary conclusions I have come to. I do wish they weren't so tied up in my personal experience of the situation as felt by my personality, I wish they were universal and gave you all some tips or hope or insight. Maybe for one of you they will.

I was losing my role, my status, my place, my ability to be competent in a job I had worked hard to be competent at because expectations changed and were not delivered. I have always learnt and adapted but a part of the organisation was seen as not to fit and rather than ask it to change again it was lopped of. So I left that role feeling that all the effort to glean what was needed and try to achieve it was futile and yet for the years I did it I tried as hard and as creatively as possible. It was like losing a lover and realising you had been holding up the relationship all along.

I try less hard now. Sometimes I'm trying and trying and being determined and then I think, pfff what's the point and the desire seems futile.

I used to dream and hope and strive and that elusive future that I could work for, be lucky to get, knowing I would keep trying in different ways, seeking opportunities, not pissing anyone off, being polite and helpful and honest and hardworking and reliable. I discover that wasn't as easy for me as I thought. I'm worn in places, my ability to build bubbles of hope has mostly gone.

I also motivate by guilt and duty. I feel grateful even in situations where I was giving. is it fair, is it balanced is it enough? I know now only fixing on what you should do is a route to resentment and feeling that things are a drudge. Learning is so much fun when you can go at your on pace but cramming for job applications or writing starts as a lovely challenge and ends as homework on a sunny day, and these days a sunny day I should be doing other things.

When I had my responsible job I was in a tunnel of work and no play. Family time and I went to all the events I should have, little money and little time for going to the cinema, seeing exhibitions, hardly any holidays, not asking people to babysit because I needed them to do so when I needed to work. I put the job first and it put me last, what a selfish relationship that was.

So I know I feel embarassed that I have nothing to show for all my efforts, well yes some things, but no ability to announce oh I do this now. EGO. I should get over it, I think I almost have.

I asked for advice recently as I took seriously an application for a job that woudl fascinate and challenge me and which I genuinely think I can do well. It's part time, pays badly and is a short contract, it's loads of responsibility for the money and when it ends it will look great on the cv, may one day score me a small point to a bigger job but the theme I'm getting is that I can get small experience to aid my career and at the current rate it will take 10 years to get a foot in the door. Maybe I'd enjoy it along the way? Maybe but how we are to live in that time I do not know.

It's also clear that I'm not fully formed for any role I want. I feel part in and part out.

Everyone in seems to have an idea of what I want, but they don't know. So it seems  I am not making my desires understood.

I can do serious and responsible things, I can be diplomatic, empathetic, read people and know what is best to say and nudge people to think so that they come to form ideas and solutions I can see are there. But I'm read as a gallumphing childlike playful person and frustratingly my words are taken to mean the exact oppossite of what I mean and when this happens it is always that the oppossite is silly and I feel embarassed and angry and so say nothing to not offend. This is when I have been corrected. I hate being corrected. I try not to do that to other people and it seems childish to say "I KNOWWWW" like we did when we were ten. no-one ever believes you anyway. Maybe I should record myself and then analyse why people just don't understand me. but really its a lot to do with them, so maybe I'll never know. Bit frustrating that.

So what do I want? I want to sever the feeling of duty. I haven't found out how yet, a person's expression can make me feel like I should do something, I need a new response.

I want a job that I can feel competent and useful in that leaves me with a work life balance and an ability to pay the bills. Maybe even a chance to build on it and I want time to spend more on my interests and my friends and I will always make the arts a big part of that mix.

Jobs in the arts is an option in that mix for now and for the future.

That's my manifesto and stated aim from now on.

Jen

Pause for reflection

So I took a holiday, went to NYC like I'd always wanted to. Felt very at home. Went back to my part time temp job and realised how positive it is to feel appreciated and useful. I can see me volunteering for new tasks and getting well stuck in again, even though there is no career there.

Also I realise that all my efforts for myself over the last year or so have not had the directly positive effect I had hoped. I truly feel I have spent most of my previous time in friendships and work encouraging and enabling everyone else and also focusing on learning new skills and making opportunities for myself. Now I feel like all my energy has been somewhat helpful to everyone else and I'm just tired. How horrid to feel so resentful. I don't feel used, I just feel it's unfair.

In some ways it's been great to encourage upcoming artists and graduates. Actually it really has. I love it. And great to be able to do some writing and have it read, even if I'm writing for free. It's been great to contribute to the library, a great resource in a great organisation. But now it's nearly finished, the celebration of it goes on without me. I'm not even free to go to the opening. I know it will be so easy for me to slip away into the unknown. The young pretender, who actually has had a life long passion for art and drama and cinema and all things creative.

But what exactly have I lacked? The conviction that a career in this world is possible, and the confidence to speak up infront of people I genuinely admire.

This will amaze people who know and worked with me. I am hard to impress, I know that all humans are equally of worth and no-one scares me. Don't get intimidated by chief executives, ministers, professors, celebrities and I have friends I really admire, but they are friends and I trust them not to laugh at me.

I realised that when I'm not looking for the dream job or hanging out with people I want to work with or reading about other's success (That facebook phenomenon of everyone saying how great their lives are all the time) I'm quite happy.

It's like the class system or economics, if you see other's wealth you want it.

There is a job I really want that I know I can do.

Madly I also got a request to reapply for a job I went for last year. Why? I wonder. Maybe I was their original 2nd choice, who knows. I have reapplied, but it is not the job I want.

I need to plot a course between giving up and not feeling worthy and going for my dreams with conviction and maintaining my happiness for other's success.

Easy to be generous of spirit when all is well in your own life. I've always been proud of this in my self but I see it is a danger of being a fairweather quality.

I resolve to try harder and not become the bitter fearful underdog. I understand better those that feel that way and judge them less.

Not capitalizing on all my hard work would really hurt. Again I sucked the fun out of it for myself by feeling to scared of my future. I've been really sensible with my redundancy money and we'll be fine for a while yet, but to be sensible you can't relax and enjoy it.

Top thing is that I've had more time with my son and husband, great joys in my life.

If I focus on that and the possibility of what's out there, happy.

If I focus on the uncertainty and hopelessness of trying, despair.

There are genuinely no guarentees that I will get a job and keep paying the mortgage or anything, real ruin is not beyond question and I feel I should face that like an inducement to work harder to find work, but then it just adds to the fear and the fear stops you moving on.

See it's not rational but in this protracted period of job uncertainty self-hypnosis is the only way to keep going. I wish I wasn't so bloody self aware to know that's what I'm doing. And I wish there were some reassuring facts I'm missing that will reveal themselves.

I shall work really hard on my application, knowing that there will be much competition no matter how hard I try, but focus on success besides and I'll keep you informed.

Jen