I've had two events to go to over the last weekend, Friday night a thank you event for Madeinroath where I finally got to meet the poorly panel member, she did not dissapoint. I saw and reacquainted myself with people form made in roath, had a home made mince pie and slice of christmas cake, logo decorated and all. Also had some Mrs Beeton's recipe mulled wine, best I've ever had, will be looking that recipe up.
I did, here it is:
TO MULL WINE.
INGREDIENTS.- To every pint of wine allow 1 large cupful of water, sugar and spice to taste.
Mode.-In making preparations like the above, it is very difficult to give the exact proportions of ingredients like sugar and spice, as what quantity might suit one person would be to another quite distasteful. Boil the spice in the water until the flavour is extracted, then add the wine and sugar, and bring the whole to the boiling-point, when serve with strips of crisp dry toast, or with biscuits. The spices usually used for mulled wine are cloves, grated nutmeg, and cinnamon or mace. Any kind of wine may be mulled, but port and claret are those usually selected for the purpose; and the latter requires a very large proportion of sugar. The vessel that the wine is boiled in must be delicately clean, and should be kept exclusively for the purpose. Small tin warmers may be purchased for a trifle, which are more suitable than saucepans, as, if the latter are not scrupulously clean, they spoil the wine, by imparting to it a very disagreeable flavour. These warmers should be used for no other purpose."

Not sure that helped, but I can confirm you can heat it with tea candles, about 20 of them for a 6 pint saucepan on a stand, just be patient.

g39 had their opening, they are now just off City Road behind the Earnest Willows pub. Spent Friday daytime leafleting and scanning more library books, by Saturday the library had transformed into an intimate slide show space of shots of the previous venue and shows, it seemed warmer.

The main space contained the 18ft Christmas Tree with lights, I was told the story of treacherous balancing and stretching that made it so, I only hope that getting them down will be accomplished more easily. Also the outlines in real dimensions of the old space over three floors wer marked out. Tiny.

I remarked that use of the space was so cunning and of course in the new space new cunning ways will be needed. One visitor pointed out its all horizontals whereas before it was all verticals, too true. But it's still bigger and one wall being used her to project words with comfy chairs infront of it did make you realsie how easy it is to visually divide. 2  staff members were up into the early hours making soup and mulled cider was also on offer. Yum, worth the effort on this cold day and it was great to here people who had never visited g39 before had come for the first time. Brilliant. Always like a new audience.

Talking of which have started my Art Club Discussion group, feel welcome do, 14th January Gower Pub, Roath, Cardiff, 2pm

I will be taking time this festive season to assess my options. Currently working tomorrow and then first three weeks in January temp wise. Lots of other things have dissapeared been reduced or just gone quiet. Suspect busy time has part to do wth it. Hav eheard talking to people over the socialising about some interview questions and I am not the only one to perceive that feedback of why did not get it does not refelct the job advert. This was true of my first application for a finance person for a Theatre over a year ago, feedback was everyone else wrote pages on their enthusiasm for Theatre, wheras I had killed myself getting a Foundation in Financial Management qualification to boost my chances. Suggestion was they put very broad requirements so they can narrow the field. Makes sense, that or considering how many applications they choose the obvious known person, the one who suggests something they didn't even think of they liked or something like that. It's totally a recruiters market and It was suggested to me i was knew to the field. Well yes and no. All my life all my hobby time has been spent on the Arts, only followed sport since I got a son, not interested in shopping, oh well another hobby is food I'll concede that, but A level and degree choices and all the books I read nope, Drama, Film, Visual Art all the way.

At least I'm making more friends who share an interest and that's great. resources of time were too small to indulge my interests enough and I suspect that resources of money will dent it too now. But I shall try and maintain and look for work that will not detract too much from my goal.

No decisions till after Christmas is the plan, still have wrapping and delivering to Finish and a list of I shoulds to get through,

Jen

Hidden Art

At least inspired my Dad do go and have a look at some Art. He went to the St David's Hall show and make a shortlist of stuff he really liked, some of which I concerred with and he chose the other work by Pascal Michel-Dubois than the one I had actually considered buying him, so at least I hadn't spent in vain.

My new temp job is in Cardiff Uni on Newport Road. Had lunch in the cafeteria today and blow me but there are 7 canvases from around 1940-1960 and then in their midst a naff repro of Monet's poppyfield. No labels, one crooked and all being ignored. Some look really high quality and I will investigate!

One is a painting of the JFK assassination, its all dense layours of black paint, very matt and velvety with colour, mostly bright lime for outlines and Jackie's pink pillarbox hat, the view is cropped so the bottom is the top edge of the car, its brilliant.

People should see them.

Planning Art Club like Book Club more in my mind now.

Loving the new temp job, today "you've been marvelous" and slightly challenging and learning new word and excel tricks, thought I'd exhausted that, but good to learn. Only downside staplers and so forth not so great, in fact the keyboard is rather worn and slowed my typing speed.

Nous Allon

Jen

Books

Tuesday and back at g39/WARP and now Elbow room's library in their new space. Cavenous and cool, it is housing storage boxes and an 18ft Christmas tree that is dwarfed by the space. Its a bit surreal just braced into the mainframe of the structure.

I spent 5 very happy hours in the library, currently a small well lit room with empty white shelves, an apple mac and the most gorgeously wondrous scanner I have ever had the pleasure of working with. Its an Epson and it has a dual lens system. Its p*** easy to use and even makes crappy images look good and great ones look incredible. Plus its quick and it allows you to name and number things seperately so you can helpfully scan books and keep track of how many you have done, have the same description but different sequence numbers. Its so nice when things just work! Yay for Epson.

I'd been chomping at the bit to get the books out of their boxes even whilst packing them away. The range of books is quite amazing, some early arts council publications like "Paintings of Welsh People" and loads of collective Estonian contemporary artists books, many bilingual books and some on architecture, some chinese works, japanese works, Chapter show catalogues as you might expect but also all sorts of mad things like the Creative Whack Kick Game, I really need to look into that more, its a pack of cards that when you play it makes you think differently and gets you out of a creative black hole, also sculpture park guides on suggestions for ideas for sculpture. Basically its a unique wide ranging group of books and magazines and stuff that will one day with my help be on line and searchable and usuable by anyone on the Wales Artist Resource Programme, you could learn stuff, entertain yourself or make artworks out of what you find there.   I want to read them all and get an honorary Phd, Ok I'll settle for an MA.

Tomorrow I'll be the new girl again. May just last two days but its cardiff Uni and I am looking forward to that. I'll let you know if I meet the perfect hole punch or similar.

Jen

Decisions and Directions

Yesterday I went again to the excellent XSC after a lovely guest had left us on the weekend. He was kind enough to introduce me to a kindred spirit at dinner on Saturday, and all credit to my genius son who was on his best polite, charming and impressive behaviour, discussing the Villa de Signoria in Florence that was featured on the wall with great knowledge. I'd love to claim we've taken our ten year old on the grand tour but the truth is he plays Assassin's creed on PS3, naughty working class parent thing rather than nurturing middle class thing, and the certificate is too old for him. Actually he is clever enough to remind me it is just pixels killing pixels so I'm not too worried I've warped him and he has learnt Italian and lots of Art History. In think we would all get great joy from a trip to Italy though so it is in my plan to wangle that somehow, although I suspect stopping him climbing the buildings may still be an issue. 

Its great to be busy and this week I am. Today its a social trip for lunch with a stop off at the library first, tomorrow and friday voluntary work with lovely people and weds and thurs an interesting placement with my agency. 

Talking of which left the last placement on Friday and the rain soaked cold wait at the bus stop on my home journey did make me feel happy to see the back of it. I had taken time to settle in to the group their, although I'm fairly sure I hid that well, by the end I had a few really genuine laughs, none I can tell you about, aside from my reaction was "that shouldn't be funny but it is" and had my giggling internally for many hours. Good times. They gave me a good luck card and I need luck, plus this comment; "You are a really hard worker and I wish you good luck in your search for a position in arts admin." with the boss' thanks.

Talking to people in the industry, which as you might imagine, means I've heard a lot of opinions, and taking time to reflect is helping me reach some decisions. I've said that friends get fustrated that I'm being used and not being paid and I say well I'm getting valuable experience. This is true but it seems that there is a culture of artists and others in the industry doing a lot of admin and "dirty work" like marketing themselves that they have no desire to do. I imagine in times of success they pay people to do this but in lean times anyone able and willing does it and for no pay, the longer it goes on the more bad feeling it creates. So the long term may be continue to volunteer until everyone else drops out, or I could just be carving a niche as that helpful girl we don't need to pay, and then people expect it of me. So I need to trim my volunteer work. Keep active and have a profile but not prioritise it as I have been doing. 

Also I need to get more paid work. At the present just take more agency work and far more fundementally look at how I am presenting myself. 

I've tried to do this wisely but now I look back and see the error of my ways. My last feedback felt harsh but what I realise is everyone else worded it kindly, which meant really no lessons learned. 

I need to circumvent prejudices about large organisations, the civil service and talk more about my real day to day experience, I need to talk about my volunteer experience and passion and make all of this businesslike. My marketing has got me volunteer positions and thats what it has suited. When I graduated in 1996 it took me nearly a year to get a volunteer position so I must see this as a success. Although the world may just have changed but I've decided to take the credit.

So I am going to write for my kindred's spirits website. I am going to start the art club like a book club. I'll flesh that out when I have that defined precisely, and I'm going to pursue work that does not detract too much from what I want to do. It may be that that will be it and I won't do much more than what I have started and I'll be using my spare time or more accurately using up all my waking hours, but that should weather the storm of this economic situation and make me able to apply for the jobs when they reappear, or I'll just be happy with that. 

That's the new plan of attack.

Jen

Rant over?

Well for now at least. It did get me thinking almost immediately that I need to take time to think and then lots of cliches hit me.

In the discard as not useful/horrid turn of phrase/ignore category where:

• More than one way to skin a cat (urgghhh)
• There is always someone worse of you than you (yes that's why I will stop, don't need to feel guilty too)
• Maybe failure is your thing (But woody allen does make me smile)
• Its easier to find a job when you have a job

Useful if not cheesier category are:

• onwards and upwards
• to change outcomes you have to change inputs (do something differently)
• If you raise your eyes up to heaven, heaven is what you'll see (Lyle Lovatt, I think he means you need to believe and focus and have an open mind or what is there which is good will not appear)

Yesterday even in my dispair I did have three meetings with people I am volunteering with or for, and wasn't too negative when I was with them either. But it did put me in a position of listening more and there was some advice. It was thought good that I was still active in the arts, I agree and it does at least mean I'm gaining experience and it is fun. I had a long talk with a person in a similar position ot me who has not just got a plan B but is on "plan S"so this made me think tenacity at one plan may be a positive and on the other hand think of other things to pursue, maybe plan B and plan C. Also we talked about a few start up things and I was interested but not wowed by them but the advise I got was maybe to start small and grow.

I do want just for fun, because no idea how to monetise it anyhoo, to start an art club like a book club where people who like art or think they might meet once a month and discuss a show or a commercial or museum gallery exhibit together, maybe with a field trip. The point being for fun like a book club with mutual respectful conversation. I think it's long overdue as many people are intimidated and that's unfair. I'd like wider audiences. I think meeting in a pub would be good as so little get enough trade at the moment either.

Then we thought about have a go nights where you have a try and write poetry, sing, play guitar (just that one song you always wanted), origami, watercolour, lots of things and maybe do an event as part fo new years resolution season. Could be fun if nothing else. Skills sharing non judgemental fun. Sounds  abit like Cerbyd's project, maybe some unintentional copying going on here, hmmm.

Anyway finish current temp placement this week, have some volunteer work for a few days next week and the following. Temp Agency called me with praise and asked me to work next wed and thurs "I'd love to" so looking forward to that, its at a Uni and conveniently located and only clashes with one volunteer day I pencilled in. Also have tomorrow on leave so will be making my flat all spick and span for weekend visitor and Christmas. Just in case life gets really busy between now and then or I just get too drunk to bother.

I don't even drink that much normally but we have christmas tipples in and they look tempting.

Jen

I've had enough

Sorry, but I have.

I've had enough rejections and annoying feedback.

I quote you from a selection of the jobs and trainee posts I have applied for over the last 12 months:

"we had over seventy good quality applications.  There were probably thirty candidates  I would have been happy to see on the shortlist - including you so don’t take the rejection too much to heart"

"We had more than 60 applications - with a long list of around 15 (of which you were included). "

"Yes we have completed the shortlist and I'm afraid you have not been selected for an interview but thank you for your interest in working for our organisation."

"Whilst we felt that you met all the essential criteria, you did not score as highly as our shortlisted candidates in terms of providing the depth of evidence for 'Negotiating skills, tact and ability to understand other's perspectives' and 'Basic understandingof the right to request information under the Freedom of Information Act2000, the exemptions from disclosure and the interaction with the DataProtection Act 1998'.  In addition you did not score as highly forthe desirable criteria as our shortlisted candidates."

"Your enthusiasm and proactivity shone through in your application. It was abundantly clear that you had many transferable skills that would be useful in the internship role. You demonstrated that you had experience in managing people and coordinating a range of situations and it was obvious that any administrative task in relation to the role would be well within your capability.
However, when considered alongside other applications, although you clearly have a substantial interest in the visual arts and you are a keen and quick learner, you were at this stage unable to demonstrate the experience of this field that will be required "

"Hi Jen, thanks very for your application which was clearly, fully and correctly filled in - always a bonus!  Sorry that you weren't shortlisted on this occasion. The standard of applications were very high and we had people apply who had more practical relevant experience of managing and working in theatre box offices and who met the person specification more closely. Be assured there was nothing fundamentally wrong with your application."

"We had many applicants who had a lot of  direct experience of marketing both performing companies and venues - and therefore had a very broad and in depth range of skills and knowledge."

"We received a very large number of extremely strong applications and on this occasion I am afraid we were not able to short list you.
I am extremely sorry to disappoint you - particularly given your strong connection with the company - and wish you all the best."

Some as you can see are more maddenning than others, some seem to say give up there's loads of great people in the market so why are you bothering?

I've had feedback to talk more about my love of the arts and then today I get be brief and use less words. I think there is a real lack of ability to write a great job and person spec' and I need to lead them to see how my skills fit, and I just can't be arsed. I know this will change but today I'm just full of rage. I work really hard whether being paid or not and I've always done a great job and I learn fast and I'm really adaptable and reliable, unfailingly nice to everyone and professional in my dealings and willing, and I'll do hours of research to be prepared for tasks in my own time and I smile nearly all the time, I know that can be annoying so I even know when to stop, I create energy and enthusiasm in a team and did I mention I try really hard, and I encourage others and I come up with ideas and I try to create efficiencies and upward manage but also learn what my leaders want and mould my ways of working to fit and make sure I pull in the same direction, I buy into a group's ethos and promote it and uphold it and I treat everyone with dignity and respect and always try to learn and grow and try harder and be better.

And today I just want to scream and cry and sulk.

I think I shall take a day soon and just do that and get it out of my system

Jen

For one night only Starring...

Last night I sang in public.

I got home very late and with a blinding headache, I'll admit to downing a brandy before going on but the headache was more as a result of waves of adrenaline and relief, very harsh stage lighting in my eyes whilst seated, loud music, but mainly the most obnoxious taxi driver I have ever met. So the headache and the journey home, not so good.

However I had a great time. Its been nice to reflect on it today too as it was sort of two experiences, I'll deal with the personal one first. How was it for me?

My husband kept asking me, "why are you doing this?" and I didn't really have an answer that I could articulate. I love singing and in my kitchen in the dark wherever I have lived I have been Nat King Cole, Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, Julie London, Morrisey, Amy Winehouse, Skin from Skunk Anansie, Lloyd Cole to mention a few. In real life I've been the descant soloist in my junior school choir and a very enthusiastic but talentless karaoke performer who receives "well you gave it your all" sort of comments.

I asked my 14 year old niece who is deaf what she wanted to be when she grows up, she said "a singer but I can't sing" and I said "me too" Really I would, I love showing off but I'm not wasting Simon Cowell's time listening to me, so Ubersong was a great opportunity for me to perform, not just sing in front of drunken mates who laugh or encourage in equal measure. I always choose karaoke songs based on ones I like, but often they are miserable or not in my limited deep vocal range, or they are duets or have huge instrumentals in them. But as we had to sing backing free I could edit the instrumentals out, I could arrange the song myself. I copied most of Rosemary Clooney's version of "In the cool cool cool of the evening" and added in some original lyrics her version lacked. I learnt the lyrics and performed the story of the song. Some people, bless them even liked it.

I was less nervous than I expected so surprised when it could be heard in my voice and the line I was surest of came out in the wrong order and I had to do it again, but I was pleased that I only heard one flatish note and my powerless voice didn't sound too weak and I got the lyrics and the tune correct with a bit of gesture (and not to much, as a signer this is hard to resist) so I performed it. Most of it is a blur but I remember some encouraging and friendly faces and I think as it was such an event these are deeply scored in to my retina and will be in the good memory pile. I felt a sense of relief and that I had not blown it and some people enjoyed it and if nothing else many people were interested to know more about the song. So for the Song Archive Project, SAP there's a song to add.  “ÜBERSONG is also about expectations and what happens when we don’t perform to the high standard we set ourselves.” said Yvonne. Well I met my realistic standards.

The event was also a book launch for SAP, produced by elbow room, it covers some of 8-10 year project of Yvonne's about songs and reactions to them and of singers and stagefright and performance and it has collaborations with psychologists about musical taste and overcoming nerves, so a text book really. Retails at £14.99

As an audience member I really enjoyed myself. And surprised myself doing so We had Mack the Knife from the shark's point of view sung by a woman reflected in a convex mirror, we had a school boy version of my old man's a dustman, we had Matt White doing a full on performance piece wearing a desert uniform against a projection of a lush green landscape singing Jerusalem (the WI anthem was gifted to them from the suffragette movement I read in my current issue of WI mag Living) and then cutting something out but we didn't see what because of an over zealous photographer, the stills will eventually tell all, we had a lady who hummed the god's save the queen tune and then sang all teh various songs that have used that tune and then hummed it again - brilliantly stretching our minds, girl gang who wore white and yelled about not caring about their reputation and then verbally assaulted us and then did it in sign language and then smashed a guitar up, madly I started thinking oooh how juvenile but by the end it felt like a feminist anthem and many more brilliant, hilarious, moving and interesting performances.

If it happens again I may not "SING" but I totally reccommend viewing,

oh and then we all sang Ivor Cutler songs, well not all of us but it was a good old singalong.  I spent some goood times with a group of friends as a teenager listening to Ivor on green vinyl at my mate David's house, happy memories. You don't get songs like that and you sure as hell don't get green vinyl outside of Homebase these days.

Also there were people there I'd met before who had forgotten me, I somehow think I may stick in the mind a bit more now.

But that's a good thing, right?

Jen