So I took a holiday, went to NYC like I'd always wanted to. Felt very at home. Went back to my part time temp job and realised how positive it is to feel appreciated and useful. I can see me volunteering for new tasks and getting well stuck in again, even though there is no career there.
Also I realise that all my efforts for myself over the last year or so have not had the directly positive effect I had hoped. I truly feel I have spent most of my previous time in friendships and work encouraging and enabling everyone else and also focusing on learning new skills and making opportunities for myself. Now I feel like all my energy has been somewhat helpful to everyone else and I'm just tired. How horrid to feel so resentful. I don't feel used, I just feel it's unfair.
In some ways it's been great to encourage upcoming artists and graduates. Actually it really has. I love it. And great to be able to do some writing and have it read, even if I'm writing for free. It's been great to contribute to the library, a great resource in a great organisation. But now it's nearly finished, the celebration of it goes on without me. I'm not even free to go to the opening. I know it will be so easy for me to slip away into the unknown. The young pretender, who actually has had a life long passion for art and drama and cinema and all things creative.
But what exactly have I lacked? The conviction that a career in this world is possible, and the confidence to speak up infront of people I genuinely admire.
This will amaze people who know and worked with me. I am hard to impress, I know that all humans are equally of worth and no-one scares me. Don't get intimidated by chief executives, ministers, professors, celebrities and I have friends I really admire, but they are friends and I trust them not to laugh at me.
I realised that when I'm not looking for the dream job or hanging out with people I want to work with or reading about other's success (That facebook phenomenon of everyone saying how great their lives are all the time) I'm quite happy.
It's like the class system or economics, if you see other's wealth you want it.
There is a job I really want that I know I can do.
Madly I also got a request to reapply for a job I went for last year. Why? I wonder. Maybe I was their original 2nd choice, who knows. I have reapplied, but it is not the job I want.
I need to plot a course between giving up and not feeling worthy and going for my dreams with conviction and maintaining my happiness for other's success.
Easy to be generous of spirit when all is well in your own life. I've always been proud of this in my self but I see it is a danger of being a fairweather quality.
I resolve to try harder and not become the bitter fearful underdog. I understand better those that feel that way and judge them less.
Not capitalizing on all my hard work would really hurt. Again I sucked the fun out of it for myself by feeling to scared of my future. I've been really sensible with my redundancy money and we'll be fine for a while yet, but to be sensible you can't relax and enjoy it.
Top thing is that I've had more time with my son and husband, great joys in my life.
If I focus on that and the possibility of what's out there, happy.
If I focus on the uncertainty and hopelessness of trying, despair.
There are genuinely no guarentees that I will get a job and keep paying the mortgage or anything, real ruin is not beyond question and I feel I should face that like an inducement to work harder to find work, but then it just adds to the fear and the fear stops you moving on.
See it's not rational but in this protracted period of job uncertainty self-hypnosis is the only way to keep going. I wish I wasn't so bloody self aware to know that's what I'm doing. And I wish there were some reassuring facts I'm missing that will reveal themselves.
I shall work really hard on my application, knowing that there will be much competition no matter how hard I try, but focus on success besides and I'll keep you informed.
Jen
