Rant over?

Well for now at least. It did get me thinking almost immediately that I need to take time to think and then lots of cliches hit me.

In the discard as not useful/horrid turn of phrase/ignore category where:

• More than one way to skin a cat (urgghhh)
• There is always someone worse of you than you (yes that's why I will stop, don't need to feel guilty too)
• Maybe failure is your thing (But woody allen does make me smile)
• Its easier to find a job when you have a job

Useful if not cheesier category are:

• onwards and upwards
• to change outcomes you have to change inputs (do something differently)
• If you raise your eyes up to heaven, heaven is what you'll see (Lyle Lovatt, I think he means you need to believe and focus and have an open mind or what is there which is good will not appear)

Yesterday even in my dispair I did have three meetings with people I am volunteering with or for, and wasn't too negative when I was with them either. But it did put me in a position of listening more and there was some advice. It was thought good that I was still active in the arts, I agree and it does at least mean I'm gaining experience and it is fun. I had a long talk with a person in a similar position ot me who has not just got a plan B but is on "plan S"so this made me think tenacity at one plan may be a positive and on the other hand think of other things to pursue, maybe plan B and plan C. Also we talked about a few start up things and I was interested but not wowed by them but the advise I got was maybe to start small and grow.

I do want just for fun, because no idea how to monetise it anyhoo, to start an art club like a book club where people who like art or think they might meet once a month and discuss a show or a commercial or museum gallery exhibit together, maybe with a field trip. The point being for fun like a book club with mutual respectful conversation. I think it's long overdue as many people are intimidated and that's unfair. I'd like wider audiences. I think meeting in a pub would be good as so little get enough trade at the moment either.

Then we thought about have a go nights where you have a try and write poetry, sing, play guitar (just that one song you always wanted), origami, watercolour, lots of things and maybe do an event as part fo new years resolution season. Could be fun if nothing else. Skills sharing non judgemental fun. Sounds  abit like Cerbyd's project, maybe some unintentional copying going on here, hmmm.

Anyway finish current temp placement this week, have some volunteer work for a few days next week and the following. Temp Agency called me with praise and asked me to work next wed and thurs "I'd love to" so looking forward to that, its at a Uni and conveniently located and only clashes with one volunteer day I pencilled in. Also have tomorrow on leave so will be making my flat all spick and span for weekend visitor and Christmas. Just in case life gets really busy between now and then or I just get too drunk to bother.

I don't even drink that much normally but we have christmas tipples in and they look tempting.

Jen

I've had enough

Sorry, but I have.

I've had enough rejections and annoying feedback.

I quote you from a selection of the jobs and trainee posts I have applied for over the last 12 months:

"we had over seventy good quality applications.  There were probably thirty candidates  I would have been happy to see on the shortlist - including you so don’t take the rejection too much to heart"

"We had more than 60 applications - with a long list of around 15 (of which you were included). "

"Yes we have completed the shortlist and I'm afraid you have not been selected for an interview but thank you for your interest in working for our organisation."

"Whilst we felt that you met all the essential criteria, you did not score as highly as our shortlisted candidates in terms of providing the depth of evidence for 'Negotiating skills, tact and ability to understand other's perspectives' and 'Basic understandingof the right to request information under the Freedom of Information Act2000, the exemptions from disclosure and the interaction with the DataProtection Act 1998'.  In addition you did not score as highly forthe desirable criteria as our shortlisted candidates."

"Your enthusiasm and proactivity shone through in your application. It was abundantly clear that you had many transferable skills that would be useful in the internship role. You demonstrated that you had experience in managing people and coordinating a range of situations and it was obvious that any administrative task in relation to the role would be well within your capability.
However, when considered alongside other applications, although you clearly have a substantial interest in the visual arts and you are a keen and quick learner, you were at this stage unable to demonstrate the experience of this field that will be required "

"Hi Jen, thanks very for your application which was clearly, fully and correctly filled in - always a bonus!  Sorry that you weren't shortlisted on this occasion. The standard of applications were very high and we had people apply who had more practical relevant experience of managing and working in theatre box offices and who met the person specification more closely. Be assured there was nothing fundamentally wrong with your application."

"We had many applicants who had a lot of  direct experience of marketing both performing companies and venues - and therefore had a very broad and in depth range of skills and knowledge."

"We received a very large number of extremely strong applications and on this occasion I am afraid we were not able to short list you.
I am extremely sorry to disappoint you - particularly given your strong connection with the company - and wish you all the best."

Some as you can see are more maddenning than others, some seem to say give up there's loads of great people in the market so why are you bothering?

I've had feedback to talk more about my love of the arts and then today I get be brief and use less words. I think there is a real lack of ability to write a great job and person spec' and I need to lead them to see how my skills fit, and I just can't be arsed. I know this will change but today I'm just full of rage. I work really hard whether being paid or not and I've always done a great job and I learn fast and I'm really adaptable and reliable, unfailingly nice to everyone and professional in my dealings and willing, and I'll do hours of research to be prepared for tasks in my own time and I smile nearly all the time, I know that can be annoying so I even know when to stop, I create energy and enthusiasm in a team and did I mention I try really hard, and I encourage others and I come up with ideas and I try to create efficiencies and upward manage but also learn what my leaders want and mould my ways of working to fit and make sure I pull in the same direction, I buy into a group's ethos and promote it and uphold it and I treat everyone with dignity and respect and always try to learn and grow and try harder and be better.

And today I just want to scream and cry and sulk.

I think I shall take a day soon and just do that and get it out of my system

Jen

For one night only Starring...

Last night I sang in public.

I got home very late and with a blinding headache, I'll admit to downing a brandy before going on but the headache was more as a result of waves of adrenaline and relief, very harsh stage lighting in my eyes whilst seated, loud music, but mainly the most obnoxious taxi driver I have ever met. So the headache and the journey home, not so good.

However I had a great time. Its been nice to reflect on it today too as it was sort of two experiences, I'll deal with the personal one first. How was it for me?

My husband kept asking me, "why are you doing this?" and I didn't really have an answer that I could articulate. I love singing and in my kitchen in the dark wherever I have lived I have been Nat King Cole, Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, Julie London, Morrisey, Amy Winehouse, Skin from Skunk Anansie, Lloyd Cole to mention a few. In real life I've been the descant soloist in my junior school choir and a very enthusiastic but talentless karaoke performer who receives "well you gave it your all" sort of comments.

I asked my 14 year old niece who is deaf what she wanted to be when she grows up, she said "a singer but I can't sing" and I said "me too" Really I would, I love showing off but I'm not wasting Simon Cowell's time listening to me, so Ubersong was a great opportunity for me to perform, not just sing in front of drunken mates who laugh or encourage in equal measure. I always choose karaoke songs based on ones I like, but often they are miserable or not in my limited deep vocal range, or they are duets or have huge instrumentals in them. But as we had to sing backing free I could edit the instrumentals out, I could arrange the song myself. I copied most of Rosemary Clooney's version of "In the cool cool cool of the evening" and added in some original lyrics her version lacked. I learnt the lyrics and performed the story of the song. Some people, bless them even liked it.

I was less nervous than I expected so surprised when it could be heard in my voice and the line I was surest of came out in the wrong order and I had to do it again, but I was pleased that I only heard one flatish note and my powerless voice didn't sound too weak and I got the lyrics and the tune correct with a bit of gesture (and not to much, as a signer this is hard to resist) so I performed it. Most of it is a blur but I remember some encouraging and friendly faces and I think as it was such an event these are deeply scored in to my retina and will be in the good memory pile. I felt a sense of relief and that I had not blown it and some people enjoyed it and if nothing else many people were interested to know more about the song. So for the Song Archive Project, SAP there's a song to add.  “ÜBERSONG is also about expectations and what happens when we don’t perform to the high standard we set ourselves.” said Yvonne. Well I met my realistic standards.

The event was also a book launch for SAP, produced by elbow room, it covers some of 8-10 year project of Yvonne's about songs and reactions to them and of singers and stagefright and performance and it has collaborations with psychologists about musical taste and overcoming nerves, so a text book really. Retails at £14.99

As an audience member I really enjoyed myself. And surprised myself doing so We had Mack the Knife from the shark's point of view sung by a woman reflected in a convex mirror, we had a school boy version of my old man's a dustman, we had Matt White doing a full on performance piece wearing a desert uniform against a projection of a lush green landscape singing Jerusalem (the WI anthem was gifted to them from the suffragette movement I read in my current issue of WI mag Living) and then cutting something out but we didn't see what because of an over zealous photographer, the stills will eventually tell all, we had a lady who hummed the god's save the queen tune and then sang all teh various songs that have used that tune and then hummed it again - brilliantly stretching our minds, girl gang who wore white and yelled about not caring about their reputation and then verbally assaulted us and then did it in sign language and then smashed a guitar up, madly I started thinking oooh how juvenile but by the end it felt like a feminist anthem and many more brilliant, hilarious, moving and interesting performances.

If it happens again I may not "SING" but I totally reccommend viewing,

oh and then we all sang Ivor Cutler songs, well not all of us but it was a good old singalong.  I spent some goood times with a group of friends as a teenager listening to Ivor on green vinyl at my mate David's house, happy memories. You don't get songs like that and you sure as hell don't get green vinyl outside of Homebase these days.

Also there were people there I'd met before who had forgotten me, I somehow think I may stick in the mind a bit more now.

But that's a good thing, right?

Jen

It's good to mingle

Christmas Party season is almost upon us and I realise no office party for me. Not that I love them that much they were always an expense I felt I could do without, lunches out with the whole office were nicer but seated you didn't get to mingle. Once actually at a party of course I enjoyed it.

Art show openings are like parties, you have a glass in your hand, they are less often free than they used to be, you may no non-one as was the case for me about a year ago, or it is a chance to catch up with acquiantances or friendly faces in the art world if you have been in the area of work for a while. Inevitably there are people who are old hands and just end up taking to one or two people they know well.
I am a natural mingler, I smile at everyone, start a conversation casually about anything and generally spot when  someone looks intimidated or glazes over quickly enough to back out of the conversation. Sometimes they are tricky to back out of when the other looks glazed, but "I've monopolised you" is quite useful.

Of course lots of people don't look at the art, but I tend to talk about it, also I always talk to the children which usually belong to an artist and are either naturally quiet types or have been given strict instructions to behave. I love asking kids about which work they like and I recall being at the American Art in the 20th Century exhibition at the Royal Academy in 1995ish, staring at this red painting which was all angles and a big gold number 5, I couldn't get it at all until some kid said "Mum, I love that fire engine"
When do we teach people to not believe what they see, often it is a good idea to look at art like a wide eyed child.

Last week went to an invited view of the Arcade Art latest show, free wine and meet the artist so big points there. It is a small and well lit space, see previous blogs for photos, so you can see everyone and everyone can see you. I saw a few friendly faces, met a few people and found I struggled to converse with a Hungarian whose English was perfect so no get out there. It was small and friendly and I left before I made an arse of myself.

On Sunday I went to St David's Hall christmas exhibition, this was invited via facebook and the artwork sprawls over many levels. I bought a glass of mulled wine and bumped into a WI sister who buys art, we had a chat about that and I took a long time to look at the diverse range of works. Lots of people talking of buying and I spotted that the artist whose painting I will be helping to auction had sold a work, that was encouraging.

Saw lots of people who remembered me and lots who did not, always good not to push yourelf onto these people, I held back.

Yesterday I had a day out with my husband and the opportunity to share these exhibitions with him. Found out we don't differ in our taste too much, which is interesting as in terms of decorating over teh last 15years we are at a black and white stalemate.

So tomorrow I will be performing in an artist's work, not a decision I made as a career move and only time will tell if it is positive negative or neutral, but I'll let you know.

Also today is the closing date of that job I really want, application in a week ago and paranoid me sent a copy today attached more clearly. If I'm going to lose the option of an interview it will need to be for a better reason than that.

My temp job will be coming to an end shortly and lots of things in the pipeline are being pushed back, I will need to plan in things otherwise procrastination and spending may fill the gap and I will not want that to happen.

Note to self do not go to art shows with ability to pay for anything again until all your redundnacy has gone.

The lovely Tiff Oben will be having her curatorial on 4th December, I have guests for the weekend but I hope to make it.



Jen

It's good to talk

Today met with the arts festival chair and worked through an arts funding application. Found out my file of arts funding options was not attached to my email, duh! So will resend that to people tonight.

Decided then to go get some lunch at the noodle place I used to take myself as a treat and I have missed since leaving my last full time role, it was not as good as I remember, maybe it didn't match up to three months of desire. Anyway fuel on board.

Decided then to come into central library and get this job application moving.

Very glad I did as on the way I popped into Arcade Art and met Jacqueline Alkema and discussed her work on show and her practice. As I have every intention of coming to the opening party on Thursday and will be arriving in the middle I will no longer feel on the back foot. Her use of frameless canvases with overlayered deep ground give them a deep velvety appearance which makes the skin of the subjects more luminous. Some of those words are mine and some are her's, it's good to talk.

Talking to those I do know now in the art world in Cardiff is not hard so this should give me confidence for the application as fitting in to the small team does seem to be a big selection criteria whether its listed or not. We'll see

Jen

Back in the saddle again

So after feeling like A job I wanted to apply for would never materialise it did and it scared me. After a year of rejection and all that bloody effort of filling in applications and researching companies and staff and linkedin and other internet stalking and background reading I'm not enthused to try again.

The worst bit isn't any of that of course. Its the getting your hopes up even when your brain tells you not to. Its hard not to when you also have to throw yourself into convincing others the job is the best one for you and you are best for the job. You start to believe it and then they don't agree - rejection.

But my logical brain says I have to go for it I'd be a fool not too, so I will. Closing date is way off so I have just enough time to totally overthink it and get lots of input and delete the one sentence that would have got me it.

 I fantasise about an interviewer asking me what a friend would tell them to convince them to give me the job and I answer honestly that my friends are deluded and love me to bits and they'd say all these amazing things. So really I should just put their words in my mouth, that might work.

Recent positives

Well getting to know people in the art world has been fascinating, has not led to come and work for us like my non art world contacts have somehow been expecting (I wasn't - so yay for me -for being realistic)  and I have learnt lost from listening and learning and gently questioning and some of them are on the way to being friends which is nice. But also it gives you the opportunity to ask them directly for advice and help. Scary but I was upfront and got a great response, so that's a bonus too.

I did use the impetus of needing to apply for funding to research that. It took ages and I read lots of guidance notes on how to apply. i found lots of previous funding streams are dry.

I also found many websites that charge for you to search for funding to apply for, maybe helpful for big ventures but too expensive and feels like a scam for such a small venture like the one I was looking for.

 I did manup and approach a big cheese for advice on a saturday and had an email back on a sunday! the next day. Yikes and Yay, I don't think my email was that amazing so I think genuine helpful person or I helped hit his targets.

Anyway I do feel far more knowledgeable and confident and I have shared my thoughts with an expert on the subject, knowing I will learn from her input too.

They say its not what you know its who you know but I hope I am proof that its actually sort of circular, get knowledge of who to know, know who you can, learn what you can, let that lead you to who and what to know, ask questions and oil it all with being helpful and open minded.

hopefully employed in the arts part time by 2012
Jen

Choosing your influences

You are what you eat. You are what you read.

What these both are is ways of showing you are what you choose.

I watch and read things that not one of my friends does, regularly. I just haven't met people that many people who like the same things to watch and read as me, although I know there are hundreds out there, there just not where I grew up or where I work. So I choose my influences, I read what I want and watch what I want and I chose when I was young really consciously to not fall into believing in stereotypes. I was about 12 and i don't remember why I just remember it as a really conscious decision, from this simplicity it has developed into being critical in my thinking not letting myself assume and trying to be open to changing your mind or not making it too quickly.

You can move on from the influencers you were given like parents and teachers if you do that and then its easier to follow your path. I do stil hate following the crowd and am more likely to choose something if it is an option rather than a suggestion. I did worry I was just being contrary but I have now come to see that no my choices are my own and I'm happy with them even if they are a mess of tastes and contradictions.

Finally reconnected with those art places and people I have connections with and just let them know what I was up to and up for. Maybe in a fortnight I will be back with g39 people and it will be great to catch up and share. It will be interesting to see their feedback or reaction to what I have to say.

Also started getting funding options together and one of my million (well lots) of email sign ups bore fruit, voluntary arts network send a very lengthy newsletter I half regret receiving even though its all good its not targeted so you have to trawl through it. Anyway found grants for "community" projects for about the right level of dosh and that was without trying. I promise myself will put some time aside to do that in the next three days.

Also need to rewrite my CV again, things to update and I need to start to looking for work in earnest again. Just something part time but also agreed to stay in my wed-fri temp job til end of November.  Hopefully the repetitiveness of this will not drain but inspire.

Jen

Career Choices?

Sometimes it seems that you don't have any doesn't it? But really you can say no and you can say yes and you can vote with your feet and move your butt or you can stay home and moan or get your life so full up with hobbies and jobs you hate and tea time tv or you get no help with childcare or elderly relatives and you don't ask for any and then you have no time and no money and no opportunity. So even if you are only spending 5% of time on your career or your dreams that's fine just don't spend no time on it. How you use your time and money to some extent is always your choice.

To that end I again took up the opportunity to go see a studio curatorial.  _(See XSC, one of the few blogs I follow, actually the reason I found this site and am therefore blogging now) _

This was only my second as there was a break whilst many artists spent time at the Venice Biennale Collatoral (like fringe)  events, often in little bars it seems, I really must go one year!

So we got to see Lee Campbell's work at his studio, although he does a lot of work at home and on computer.  http://www.leecampbell.org/

What is a curatorial? Well I'm not sure if its an art school term but I know they do something similar where fellow artists get to peer review works. Lee was used to very formal ones but this is far more relaxed and we get to ask  awkward questions and challenge our own thinking in our response to the art the artist shows us. We talk about his practice and often we get a how did you decide to do this and what is it that motivates you. We have some curators and I get to be an art history graduate hanger on.

We viewed "I am Cardiff" and other similar works in poster form, a board game of squares of white text on black. You could play it but you are asked to view it and you could choose to play it mentally with no counter and no opponent or you could get people to join in. I am Cardiff in particular engaged me as it had statements that resulted in a positive move and some that resulted in a negative move, as the subject is close to my heart I felt I wished to challenge the scoring.

Lee often likes to involve  the public in his work, or a public, but has stretched to actual collaboration despite being, he finally admitted, a bit of a control freak. He also likes using the internet to meet people randomnly and ask them to make art. We discussed other artists who do this and explored the relationships and how "vampireish" it is to use the public, compared this to asking other artists and how much background knowledge of an artist could effect the outcome of the work. This is only a small selection of the matters discussed but it is so valuable and fascinating and very much like the friendliest seminar group you can imagine.

Today also met with one of the arts festival organisers and we tasked me with a few things. I will now learn more about available grants and fundraising, I have gathered some links and starting points mid year so now is the time to use this motivation to capitalise on this.

Just what I needed as I was getting in a slump