Good time to review the situation. Well its been emotional, maybe I'm a functioning emotional like others are functioning alcoholics. Certainly not being in a prescribed parameter set busy workplace with a team of people to worry about makes you have more mental space to notice yourself and how you are feeling.
Things have been very trying too. Of course its my own private hell, you learn more about what pushes your buttons and your own neurosis. I always knew I hated working from home and I knew I could often feel really embarrassed when I made a mistake and it stayed with me. I knew I didn't really tolerate being disliked even by people I didn't respect whilst intellectually knowing that its not possible to be liked by everyone. I knew I got lots of energy from working with others and when doing certain tasks craved to be alone. I knew that I grasped concepts and picked up on people's ethos quickly. I knew I was bad at memorising names and dates and numbers without a context and that I had a photographic memory for images and could see styles developing in people's work and could recognise the work of the same artist designer or store with ease. I knew I had good colour memory and the good professional habits of always treating people as human beings first, being helpful and contentious and on the flip side being really sad when I let someone down or upset them.
I am more motivated when learning new skills or information and when other people notice I'm contributing. Actually either of these at once is ok.
I was surprised to learn that the mix of what I loved and hated about my old job was quite so universal. Along with milk and parking being swearwords the gap between what the leaders seem to want from an organisation and what the footsoldiers care about and are attempting is too far and that very little explaining too each other happens at all. As someone who has worked from footsoldier to middle manager I know that what seems important can be not profitable or efficient, but often it feels that you are not appreciated, no matter how hard you try. This really needs to change.
Also I've learned most places that use volunteers just want them to do it and will always go to those who are not just reliable but do not need to be managed or encouraged. Often any encouragement is gratitude but not feedback that skills and endeavours made an effect. I think most people want to feel like their being there mattered.
I also spent some horrid months in the wilderness feeling like all my work in studying my subject, learning about organisations, making contacts and sharing my knowledge was only helping others and making me look like an overexcited schmuck. This culminated in being told to not be myself at interview.
I can be really excitable, I can seem really in your face and confident, but the truth is, I'm self aware I know what I'm competent at but I have no confidence knew people are going to like me or respect me. They will, I'm sure feel I am polite and able to talk to people.
In a large organisation I have found people see the enthusiasm and hard work and harness that and love it, a very small few are threatened by my apparant huge ego or overbearing personality. It never lasts long, the happier I am the quieter I am.
To do that I need to be in a state where I don't feel like I have to prove myself. This is rare for me. With a team I found I never let of trying to prove myself. In a small group or working solo and having had feedback the other's or my line manager trusts me and also knowing I'm doing a good job I'm in the flow and I'm happy. I need very little direction. I will have learnt what everyone else needs and what I need to know and I will crack on. You can be subtle and I will follow, I am tuned in.
My one weakness is expecting everyone else to be attuned and sometimes being too subtle. That's something I need to work on, how to get through to these people?
Anyway I am in a largely positive place. I have 2 part time jobs, one in a Uni which is a temp job - too responsible to be relaxed about but with a very entertaining bunch of people who are clever or witty or both. The other is following on from my volunteering, the pay is helpful and I understand the job and lo and behold all that effort in learning and networking is paying off.
I know my ideal is still a salaried job as looking for work is exhausting and a year of it has well, I've nearly reached my limit!
I am also writing articles and have learned I enjoy writing in an accessible magazine style and not trying to be all academic. So I hope to keep that up.
Also I love invigilating exhibitions which I do making no large future commitments.
Art Club is working as I want it and it is feeding something positive in me, I think I've designed a club that I want to be a member of! I think it could grow and it feels organic and natural to me, so a good thing to keep up.
I've made some lovely friends. Really I have. I've spent more time with my lovely family and I've been to NYC. Overall I should be happy.
And I nearly am.
Jen xxx
