It's been about ten days since I had my third interview for this post.
Third you ask, yes once when I was told you were our second choice (I'd heard that three times in a row) then once to cover mat leave and again to get the job for real.
I was excited (fist pump on the bus receiving the news) but also in shock and full of relief for a day or so and then battling my brain out of feeling guilty for earning so much less than I did and not providing like I used to. I didn't want to write in that state so I had a few glasses of prosecco and got on with the day job, its been a particularly busy time and husband working nights so no real time to reflect much.
There is a sense of reaching the destination, it's been such a long journey that it feels just that I'm here in one piece. At times I have lost faith, only to find the despair won't actually let me relax into giving up. I learn that giving up as a concept is in me which scared me but that giving up in reality is not, which is also frightening. I never knew I could hate how I feel and not have a way of dealing with it and still do stuff even though my brain was screaming I can't be bothered, why bother, I'm so bad at this, they don't respect me, with many Anglo-Saxon words thrown in for good measure and still it found no comfort in just stopping. I could feel sorry for myself but not in a comforting lets each too much ice-cream sort of way, in a I'm really hard done by and the future is scary kind of way.
So I wanted to say to anyone in that situation, feel the pain, don't run away from it, feel it. Like I had to let myself feel the anger of losing my job. I am here on the other side and it's logical that statistically things will go your way sometimes, so just keep going. I learn I really was second choice a few times, so keep rolling the dice.
I know have some perspective and can see that I have to give myself credit for a few things. One is always putting the effort into my applications although they were soul destroying and fiddly and badly designed and full of unexplained jargon, I googled and Wikipediad and listened to everyone's conversations and gleaned info. I volunteered and juggled that with temping, balancing expectations and commitments and ensured I was there when my husband wasn't for our son.
It was hard to explain the effort and creativity going on in my brain, temping meant I had to learn new organisations cultures and terminology and meet new people and build rapport. I tasked myself with relearning my art history degree, I sort of added to its edges instead, back to basics with A level texts on histories of art and then catch ups with lots of new ideologies and arguments. I also taught myself more about contemporary art, read lots of monoliths, went to see more art as a regular conscious activity. I started art club and that has had many unexpected benefits, but mostly I have scheduled art into my life rather than just it being a happenstance. For once I have a hobby, that's a life enriching thing and something we need to get girls and women to allow time for more in our society.
Getting to know the artworld in my area, I am still on the edge of being in it but I know people and what they do and I love connecting them and passing helpful knowledge on. I'm still not one for silo thinking but at least I know where some perceived divisions lie.
I have grown confident in my own thoughts. I have surprised myself in talking to artists, something as an historian you don't get to do, that I get their work and can really talk to many of them about it. I used to think about art a lot and never, I mean never get to talk about it. It's a release to be with like minded people so all of the journey has given me lots of what I always wanted.
I have been let down and disappointed and had people be rude, flaky and shockingly ungrateful and yet I have learnt to take that way more in my stride than I ever expected, I have settled myself into not feeling guilty into not continuing all the volunteering, I hope to do some but it has to fit in. I did use that to legitimise my move into art and I think that's ok. I am very grateful for the introductions that people gave me and the respect and trust I often got.
I have learnt to be humble and show leadership and am someway to getting the balance right.
Getting the job, any perm job has made me more relaxed and human, I feel less tense and I am so thankful that the natural self-motivation is returning. I really thought the edge had come off my willingness, some days this week in work I've actually thought "I'm enjoying this" that has happened for years.
So its my job now and I feel like everything I learn and try will be for me as well as the organisation, it's something to build on and that's a good place to be.
I work at the art school.
I love saying that.
Jen
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