One Year On

It was last October some time that it was first mooted that my office would close, as a good friend asked me today could I have imagined a year ago I would be doing all I am doing now then?

Well I'm not sure.

I did think though it was a good idea to try and capture what Jen did next from that starting point a year ago. It won't be accurate and I do kick myself a little for not starting the blog earlier, but we shall both dear reader, have to just put up with the recalled and partly evidenced account of what I did.

Well firstly I had a pathetic little cry infront of the director and everyone else, one of those no really my eyes are leaking its fine, oh shit I wish it could just stop, stop damn it, hmmmphh, sort of cries. In my head I was already sure it was over and I would leave whatever happenned, I had been threatened with it before and I just didn't want that again. For a few years I had felt that the job was too well paid to leave, I enjoyed having staff but the main theme in my role was frustration. Lots of it. I wasn't using that feeling constructively either I was rising above it by letting it eat at me whilst I "did my best" Not the most satisfying way to lead a working life, not saying I didn't have some feelings of success but also in my head was a small "what have I done with my life?" not one with "Oh my god" infront of it but just a feeling of settling, compromising.

I thought today it was a bit like getting divorced, for which I immediately mentally apologised to anyone who had been divorced, but the same on a much smaller scale. Feelings of rejection, feeling trapped in a loveless marriage, fear of being alone, learning to trust again, the possibility of never being successful in the future, all the good times, the financial stability, well you get the idea.

So within a week I had got a book out of the library, Career Change for Dummies, its out of print now you have to buy the one with job hunting, anyway the original work helped hugely, Made me really overanalyse! But mostly constructively then I threw myself into how I could share what I had learnt with my staff and the whole office and that was a major focus until the following April. I did also start researching all the facebook arts pages and joined all the updates and websites I could. I applied for a job at the WMC I think in November and got no feedback and no interview. I did feel a bit disheartened.

I emailed all the "contact us" listings for local theatres, arts venues, comedy clubs, cinemas I could find asking for opportunities to volunteer. I didn't find that many, I went for teh ones I knew about first and honestly I felt scared to stick my neck out. I wrote my first CV, I redrafted it about 10 times. I started to include it, I offerred to make cake and share it. This opened a door. ("You mean you make cake? -Welcome to the team") The lovely g39 who are used to having artist and curator volunteers let me help too. I spent a few days in the summer cataloguing their huge art book collection, and this whole experience was decision affirming.  Why?

Well firstly the whole feel of the place I just felt at home, I loved listening to the conversations and I was gleaning information from everything, what came in the post, who asked what, teh books themselves I was recognising images reminding me I had a great visual memory, each comment I made was taken seriously and discussed. I felt helpful and not stupid and of course it wasn't full of slightly stressed people worrying about their own jobs so it was respite. Thanks to my previous employer for letting me have the time. I got introduced to some people and at the closing party I tended bar and served many influential people who were it surprised me to notice not all up themselves.

I rejoined the museums association, hadn't helped hugely last time but i figured invest in it you never know. I went behind the scenes at the local museum at a public half term event.  I wore a bright yellow dress because it was sunny and I felt like it. I realised that many museum tasks would fascinate me but that working in a small room alone would kill me, I narrowed my field of job aims in this one small way.

I went to lots of galleries, I made myself go to commercial ones, although it scared me, i always wore colourful and memorable clothes. I wrote in visitor books, I talked to invigilators, I continued to go to every party I was ever invited to, I made cheap business cards I got used to sharing these without embarassment usually after offering some minor help like sharing a web page or group I found. I listened a lot.
I read books on how to apply for jobs and write CVs i joined Linkedin and treated my profile with care and was tentative to who I let connect with me and profligate in which art groups i joined. I stalked every contact I ever almost made and learnt all I could about them on line before I met them again. I always made sure every kind word or suggestion or contact given was returned with vocal or emailed gratitude. I followed up drunken or mentioned suggestions with an email, text or message "not sure if you were serious but you mentioned coming to this art show, I'm up for it" sort of thing.

I applied for lots of jobs, I got advice from the feedback from the speculative enquiries but nothing concrete, nothing paid, then three weeks or so in the jobseeker wilderness and then I kept in contact with people and heard nothing some irons in fires went out, I lost a bit of faith, in myself in my hope, then I started temping and one contact led to another and here we are, still doing all of the above.

Its been sort of full on, determined, scattergun, focusing my ideas about myself and what I want and sharing that with everyone. First you have to know what you want, mine is still quite broad and vague and is being modified as I try new things. My only rule is go with your instincts I mostly feel yes ok and if I feel, oo no rather not I don't. Loved some stuff more than others and in time I'll know precisely why. I'm sort of growing a compass and I'm reading and seeing more of the world and meeting like minded people more than I ever did before and even that is enriching.

Jen